I remember smiling with you;
Laughing as we shoved ice cream into each others faces.
We watched the setting sun in great amazement;
I now look back in sorrow at the moment the sun set upon us.
The long days wasted by the pond,
four-wheeling down to the creek to splash and giggle in the sun.
Whispered secrets adorned our ears;
we always spoke of things no one else understood.
There's that one photograph, you know it.
It's the one of you laughing, smiling down upon me;
your face alights with the glow of true adoration.
Me, I look into the eyes of the one who loves me.
I make the mistake of believing.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
A Beautiful Greeting
My life has a been a little uncertain over the last couple of months since I decided to take a semester off. I moved back home to a full house that recently became even more crowded. Just a few short weeks before I made the spontaneous decision, our home had been occupied by mom, dad, my two little sister's Hannah and Emma, and my beloved lab, Jessi. My 11 year old sister, Emma, received the very gracious gift of a little Shipoo (Shitzu poodle mix) puppy, and my 14 year old sister, Hannah, adopted a small gray kitten.
I entered a busy home life for sure. It's hard to shake the feeling, after you've been out on your own, of being a stranger in the place that used to be home. Of course it's still the warmest, most wonderful place on earth over weekend visits and Christmas break, but after living at home for awhile, all the reasons why you were excited to leave in the first place come flooding back. Like the authority your parents still have over you because you "live under their roof." Or the way your little sister thinks she owns you, and the sad look she gives you every time you leave, as if you're the worst person in the world.
Of course, the worst feeling, is the one of going nowhere in this world. When I went to college, almost two years ago, I never pictured myself in this place of uncertainty and sometimes what feels like absolute nothingness. The circumstances of my life have caused me to spend a great deal of time questioning God and His purposes. Would He really lead me down this path? Does he like to see me feel alone? It is during these times of questioning that He shows me his faithfulness the most, and I wouldn't trade any of my sorrow. I feel it is in times of uncertainty that I comprehend God's presence the most because I begin to search for it, and it's in little ways that I find it.
One day as I was having a particularly challenging time accepting my life I received a very heartwarming sign that everything was really not as bad as it felt. I was driving home from my small town library job and shedding a few tears over the loneliness I felt and longing to be in a more exciting setting. I felt as though I was accomplishing nothing, almost like my place in the world was obsolete. As I pulled into the driveway, I pulled myself together and plastered a smile on my face. Besides, there's almost nothing more joyous to me than hearing my dog bark a greeting through the door. I opened the door and was immediately reminded that there is a purpose to life, and it exists outside of my accomplishments, or prominence in the world at any given moment. It's the love given by those who care about you, and I felt it the moment I stepped over the thresh hold.
I heard the sliding of Jessi's large feet over the linoleum and braced myself for her welcoming attack and the pitter patter of Maggie (the shipoo's) small feet running close behind. I knelt down as the two pups showered me with love as though I was the best thing to ever walk through that door and into their lives. "Casey!" I heard my littlest sister shout as she came running in to hug me. My older little sister entered shortly after with a smile and my mom greeted me with her always cheerful, "Hello! How was your day!" I realized that this was probably the greatest greeting I would ever have the privilege to receive. I would rather hear the sounds of these familiar feet, and listen to the music of loving voices sing me into the room than walk on stage to the applause of a million strangers (not that I would entirely object to that either ;). I silently thanked God for blessing me with the best family I've ever known. I stopped to wonder how I could even waste a moment of my beautiful life thinking on what isn't going right, when there's really nothing wrong. As I feel the pain of loneliness, or the sting of confusion in my life, I begin to count my blessings and feel overwhelmed by the love from people in my life, and from a God who knows my heart like no other.
I entered a busy home life for sure. It's hard to shake the feeling, after you've been out on your own, of being a stranger in the place that used to be home. Of course it's still the warmest, most wonderful place on earth over weekend visits and Christmas break, but after living at home for awhile, all the reasons why you were excited to leave in the first place come flooding back. Like the authority your parents still have over you because you "live under their roof." Or the way your little sister thinks she owns you, and the sad look she gives you every time you leave, as if you're the worst person in the world.
Of course, the worst feeling, is the one of going nowhere in this world. When I went to college, almost two years ago, I never pictured myself in this place of uncertainty and sometimes what feels like absolute nothingness. The circumstances of my life have caused me to spend a great deal of time questioning God and His purposes. Would He really lead me down this path? Does he like to see me feel alone? It is during these times of questioning that He shows me his faithfulness the most, and I wouldn't trade any of my sorrow. I feel it is in times of uncertainty that I comprehend God's presence the most because I begin to search for it, and it's in little ways that I find it.
One day as I was having a particularly challenging time accepting my life I received a very heartwarming sign that everything was really not as bad as it felt. I was driving home from my small town library job and shedding a few tears over the loneliness I felt and longing to be in a more exciting setting. I felt as though I was accomplishing nothing, almost like my place in the world was obsolete. As I pulled into the driveway, I pulled myself together and plastered a smile on my face. Besides, there's almost nothing more joyous to me than hearing my dog bark a greeting through the door. I opened the door and was immediately reminded that there is a purpose to life, and it exists outside of my accomplishments, or prominence in the world at any given moment. It's the love given by those who care about you, and I felt it the moment I stepped over the thresh hold.
I heard the sliding of Jessi's large feet over the linoleum and braced myself for her welcoming attack and the pitter patter of Maggie (the shipoo's) small feet running close behind. I knelt down as the two pups showered me with love as though I was the best thing to ever walk through that door and into their lives. "Casey!" I heard my littlest sister shout as she came running in to hug me. My older little sister entered shortly after with a smile and my mom greeted me with her always cheerful, "Hello! How was your day!" I realized that this was probably the greatest greeting I would ever have the privilege to receive. I would rather hear the sounds of these familiar feet, and listen to the music of loving voices sing me into the room than walk on stage to the applause of a million strangers (not that I would entirely object to that either ;). I silently thanked God for blessing me with the best family I've ever known. I stopped to wonder how I could even waste a moment of my beautiful life thinking on what isn't going right, when there's really nothing wrong. As I feel the pain of loneliness, or the sting of confusion in my life, I begin to count my blessings and feel overwhelmed by the love from people in my life, and from a God who knows my heart like no other.
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